


Three words I can't say

by purpleprincess167



Category: The Creatures | Cow Chop RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Conflict, Confused James, Cowchop - Freeform, Denial, Giving Up, Guilt, Hurt, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Moving On, NovaHD - Freeform, Sad aleks, Self-Acceptance, Self-Denial, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, The Creatures - Freeform, UberHaxorNova - Freeform, Unrequited Love, aleks is a sad boi, confused, frustrated, james x aleks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-28 21:26:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14458083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purpleprincess167/pseuds/purpleprincess167
Summary: Aleks hiding his feelings for James, thinking about how James could never love him. Meanwhile James deals with his internalised homophobia.Aleks is a very sad boi.





	1. whatever

**Author's Note:**

> This is like the first fanfic I've ever wrote. I apologise in advance for the cringe.

James has always had a powerful impact on me. Whether it be what he says or does. It didn't occur to me that attraction would be one of his many impacts. 

Do you like him? of course I do, he's one of my closest friends since 'The Creatures', we've been through everything together, thick and thin. But, do you like-like him? As much as I hate to admit it, I think I do-Well, ok, yes, I do. Some days I wish he'd just push me up against the wall and kiss me, roughly. But other times I just want to chill out, relax on the sofa and play some games or whatever, just to hang out and talk about our day. I don't know if this is just some stupid crush or if it's actually love, or just... I don't know, whatever this is, I can't let James ever know, at least not now.

"Are you ok man?" James said with his brows furrowed; distress and concern lingered in his voice. "I think I'm just getting another headache again" I reply sharply, I feel embarrassed to think of him as a lover, and to then have him just show up like that, I needed to make an excuse, I won't let him see my cheeks flush. "This is like the third day in a row that you've had a headache, y'know you can just call in sick, you're 'makin me worry dude". Crap crap crap, now he's feeling bad for me? I don't like making James worry. A familiar tingling sensation creeps into my chest, I realise what it is straight away; Guilt. "Nah man, I'm fine, it's nothing I can't handle, I promise" I say, trying my best to convince him that there's nothing wrong with me. Because of these feelings I've been having for him, whenever he tries to help me, I can't help but feel like I'm taking advantage of his kindness. James's face softens a little in reassurance, the tingling in my chest slowly begins to fade away. "Ok, well, If you feel sick again tell me, I don't want you 'throwin up on the carpet or 'nothin" he jokes, giving a goofy smile. Phew, that was a close one. As James begins to walk away to his desk I drop my head in my hands and sigh in relief. I can't keep saying I'm sick anymore, he's getting worried again, plus he'll probably catch on sooner or later. Maybe he already knows? I quickly dismiss that thought; there's no way he knows, James would never think of me to have those types of emotions for him. Do I want him to know? Hell. No. He'd feel absolutely betrayed that his best friend, the person he'd spent so much time with, was thinking about him like that. Even if he didn't feel guttered; James isn't bi, let alone gay. It just wouldn't work. He would probably think I was just joking, or even worse, he might never want to talk to me again. Even if he was bi, he'd never be interested in someone like me, he'll only ever see me as a friend. My hands start to feel clammy; I'm sweating. I'm feeling anxious again. No, I can't let James know. Never.

 

"Aleks hurry up! We were supposed to film an hour ago!" James shouts; his voice full of playful annoyance. "Alright, alright, I'm coming, relax" I retort, flashing him a mischievous grin. I walk over and take my place next to James on the cow patterned couch. James looks extra nice today, his black hair isn't tied up in a bun for once. His dark locks are just hanging down loosely on either side of his face, complimenting his tan skin perfectly; he looks amazing. I swear he could be wearing a fucking 'I love Minecraft' shirt and I'd still find him attractive. I can't help but feel a little nervous sitting next to him though, I'm scared I'll say something dumb; that I'll reveal myself. "You guys ready?" asks Trevor. I'm quick to respond; "Yep". "Ok. we're rolling" Trevor replies, staring intently at the camera he's holding. 

We finish shooting another episode of 'The Wrong Side of Youtube'. Nothing out of the ordinary. It always feels so comforting filming with James; getting to sit by his side and laugh along with those stupid jokes he makes, making ourselves laugh until our ribs hurt. I often imagine what it would be like if we could do that together without a camera in front of us; without an audience, just me and him alone. Like we used to all those years ago. I quickly shake the thought out of my head. There's no use thinking of something like that, it'll just remind me that'll never happen. Not as lovers anyway. I get up off the couch and walk over back to my desk. I wish he could see me the way that I see him, but even if he can't love me like that, it's times like these that make it all worth it just to be his friend. 

________________________________________________________

"Do you know what's been up with Aleks lately?" I ask quizzically. For the past few days I couldn't help but notice Aleks has been, well... out of it. It's like every time I'm with him I can feel him holding his breath, like he's biting his tongue. Apprehension always runs thick in the air around him. Why is this happening? Why now? We used to be so close, I mean we used to live together for fuck sake. He seems so closed off now; so restrained. It's beginning to make me frustrated, I want him to share whatever has been bothering him recently, I want him to trust me again. "I think he's just sick dude" Trevor replies in a monotone voice whilst checking through the recording to see if there's any issues, he's obviously only half paying attention to what I'm saying so I give up on trying to discuss it with him. "Yeah, you're probably right" I sigh in defeat, wanting to continue the conversation. Aleks is probably tired with all those 'headaches' he's been getting. I suppose it's nothing I should really worry about. Even still, I feel like I should be intervening. Its really sucks, I think I might just be 'gettin a little paranoid, he was really enjoying himself during our recording today but... his energy just seems different, its 'makin me uneasy. I've noticed he's been acting like this ever since we've moved to L.A, the way he always sits so far away from me on the couch, and if we're not recording all we ever do is talk about upcoming work for Cowchop. I just want our friendship back to the way it used to be, because right now I feel avoided. I guess friends grow apart over time, its probably normal. Maybe he's dealing with some issues he's not telling me about?

Is he depressed? I don't think so, I'm not getting a suicidal vibe from him, and he doesn't seem to be down in the dumps or crying his eyes out, but then again, people are very good at hiding how they're really feeling on the inside. Is he worried about something? An unknown feeling strikes me in my chest. Bingo. He's scared about something isn't he? But what would he be anxious about? Work? He seems to be doing fine here, he's getting all his editing done in time, so I don't think that's it. I'll ask him about it later I guess. Maybe he's having relationship issues? he never discusses his love life with me anymore, so I never really know who he's dating. A small wave of jealousy washes over me. "You 'gonna get off the couch or what?" Brett exclaims with his arms crossed tightly against his chest. A look of plain annoyance spread across his face. The sudden exclamation makes me jolt in surprise, his voice cutting through my thoughts immediately. "Jesus! Fuck! W-when did you get here?!" I say as my adrenaline begins to quickly quiet down as my body realises there is no real threat, not a physical one anyway. "Maybe if you weren't daydreaming all the fucking time you would notice when people walk in. Get your ass off the couch, you got editing to do" Brett practically shouts, he sounds so bitter today. Oh god, he's in an even shittier mood then usual. Wonderful. "Ok, jeez... I'm 'goin" I say dejectedly. 

 

_________________________

 

It's reaching the end of the day; everyone is getting ready to leave. I quickly make sure to save everything before I turn off my computer. One time I forgot to save a video I was working on, and needless to say, that did not end well. I put on my denim jacket and quickly pop my phone into my right pocket, I feel more exhausted then usual; my eyelids feel heavier and heavier by the minute. I just want to get home as soon as possible and get some sleep, just the thought of collapsing into bed makes me want to yawn. 

"Hey Aleks! Wait up!". I turn my head to look behind me to see none other than James jogging up towards me. A give a small smile, "What's up?" I try my best not to sound as tired as I feel. James puts his hand on my shoulder; butterflies start to fill my stomach. 

I think when it comes to interacting with him, I can play it cool, but every time he touches me I can't help but get a little bit happy, I try to not make it too evident. "Um, is everything ok? you seem a little off lately". Ugh, Here we go again. Guilt begins to creep back into my chest. He looks so concerned, I really wish he wouldn't care about me so much. If he keeps feeling like this maybe it would be better off that I avoid him for a while longer, at least until I can figure myself out."I already told you, I'm fine. Y'know I would tell you if something was up" I lie through my teeth. There's no way I'd ever want to burden James like that, he's anxious about me as it is. A sweet smile begins to take shape on his face; god he's so cute sometimes. "You're right... I just want to make sure my best friend is doing ok, y'know". The happiness that was building up in me quickly begins to deteriorate. Best friend. Yet another painful reminder. This sucks. "Ugh, well whatever, I 'gotta get 'goin, I'll see you tomorrow I guess" I groan, making my way out to the door, I don't turn back to say goodbye; I'm annoyed. I know how unfair of me it is to take it out on James like that, but I was too tired to hide my frustration this time. The familiar emotion washes over me again like cold water. I couldn't help but notice James's smile falter when I dismissed him so rudely like that. I'm such an asshole sometimes.


	2. Chapter 2: Cinco de Mayo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was not expecting at all to get any kudos. Thanks guys. <3

It's beginning to dawn on me that I'm probably destroying my friendship with James. I keep dismissing him, avoiding him... its tearing me apart from the inside. I don't _want_ to be this way; being rude to try to replace my want, my _need_ to be loved by him. Its like I'm having an internal war on how I'm supposed to act around him. I fucking hate myself for feeling this way, feeling like I'm empty without him, knowing that he'll forever be just out of my reach. I have to see this man almost everyday and pretend that it doesn't hurt when he mentions another woman's name, when he looks at me with his eyes full of endearment and platonic love. And here I am being a frustrated idiot; ruining what little love he has left for me. I truly disgust myself sometimes. I'm so incredibly fortunate to have a friend like him. A friend that I've been with through everything, one that shares my weird humour, and yet... I'm left wanting more and more. I want to feel his warm embrace, I want to hold his hand, ~~I want him to fuck me,~~ and most of all... I want to call him mine. I'm so selfish.

Its taken me a long time to admit it, but recently I've just went ahead and accepted it; sick of having to lie to myself all the time. **I love James.** I've never been able to say it out loud but we're making baby steps here. The first step to healing is admitting to have a problem after all.

What I'm confused about is why is this to happening me now? It never used to be like this, I didn't love him like this when we were with 'The Creatures', so what changed? or perhaps it could be that... I just didn't realise my feelings up until now? I don't know how I can resolve this issue, or even if I can. I've been thinking about maybe quitting 'Cow chop'; Maybe the best way to get over this pain is to get rid of it entirely. Maybe I should cut ties with James? I sense a sharp feeling erupt in my chest, like a volcano. Theres no way I could ever leave James, that would just hurt too much for me to handle, but maybe...maybe he doesn't want me around? I mean-- it would make sense seeing as I've been nothing but a complete dickhead around him for the last few weeks. I can feel the dread crawling up my body like a pack of spiders, my hands are starting to turn cold with panic. What if he never even liked me in the first place? What if he hates me?

My breathing is becoming uneven and shaky, I can feel the sweat beginning to pool in my palms. Aleks, calm down, don't embarrass yourself. I take a deep breath in and hold it for three seconds before I exhale. I repeat this over and over until I feel as though my anxiety is melting away. Somehow, whenever I get stressed, I find that taking control over my breathing always seems to help me get my shit together, even if its just for a little while. I wipe the sweat off my palms onto my jeans. How long have I been sitting at my desk? What was I supposed to be doing again? Oh. Yeah, thats right. I'm supposed to be editing a video right now. I take a quick look around the room, everyone is sitting at their desks with their eyes glued to their computer screens, the sounds of fingers hitting keyboard keys fills the room's silence. Thank _god_. Seems like no one saw me freak out just a few minutes ago. I look over to Trevor's desk --well, what used to be Trevor's desk. He left just a little while ago, to do some stuff in Canada or something. I miss him. He's the only one who I was able to confide in about my anxiety issues, --of course I didn't tell him about James, but he always managed to calm me down with what little information I would give him as to why I was so nervous all the time. Now I've got nobody.

Alright. Back to editing as normal.

* * *

 

Something is definitely wrong with Aleks. He's been avoiding me left and right and its getting to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. It's like every time he's talking to me its only because he feels obligated to; like a kid greeting their relatives because their mum told them to. Did I insult him or something? I want to confront him about it, but knowing Aleks, he's not 'gonna tell me shit. It starting to worry and irritate me. Why can't he just tell me? We're supposed to be best friends for fuck sake. Is he getting sick of me? I hope not...

I just don't want him to push me aside anymore. Do I mean nothing to him anymore, is that it? I let out a long mix between a sigh and a groan as I lean back on my chair and pull my hands together behind my neck. This situation is so annoying. Can't he just act like an adult and tell me whats wrong? I'm starring to lose my patience here. I glance over at Aleks's desk, he's wiping his hands on his jeans. I sigh again. Sometimes he's so cute --Well not cute  _cute_ but like y'know, like, cute as in like... whatever. 

I'm trying to think of a solution as to how to get Aleks to open up again, but so far I've got nothing. I guess I could ask him out for lunch --to talk him about what his issue is that is. We could go to a cafe thats nearby our office, 'Little Sparrow' I think its called. Its been so long that I'm not a hundred percent sure what the name is. When we get there I'll sit him down and see if I can get him to spill the beans, or at least give me some fucking clues as to whats been bothering him so much lately.

"Hey Aleks, 'wanna go to 'Little Sparrow' for lunch?' I ask from across the room; my voice breaking through the quiet and peaceful atmosphere of the office. He looks at me and then glances down at his lap, as if contemplating a difficult decision. I decide I should encourage him a bit, "C'mon man, its been forever since we've gone there". He looks back at me and gives a soft smile, "Ok fine, but you're buying me a cake pop, I bought you one last time". I remember that, I thought cake pops were called 'cake tops', we were play fighting about it until he proved me wrong and I had to (begrudgingly) admit to my mistake, he then went ahead and bought me one just to spite me. It was a chocolate flavoured one which had a sombrero made of fondant on top of it to celebrate 'Cinco de Mayo'. I laugh a teensy bit from remembering that.

Finally, we're going out somewhere for once, my growing happiness is already beginning to manifest into a smile on my face.

"No problem-o señor" I retort, giving a half smirk. I hear him chuckle a little under his breath. I'm honestly a little surprised that he said yes, it seemed like he was ignoring me all last week. Maybe I was just getting a little paranoid and he actually hasn't been avoiding me. Although... he did look a little hesitant when I asked him initially. Whatever, I'll find out soon enough. Hopefully.

 


End file.
